Since it is the week of Halloween, I thought it appropriate to talk a little about fear. We had a game when I was growing up called "Nightmare" in which the players try desperately to go around the board and collect their character keys all while trying to avoid the wrath of the Gatekeeper. I hated being called a maggot. The game is controlled by a video tape that is playing in the background. Players race against time in order to beat the Gatekeeper. At the beginning of the game all players write down their fear on a card and place it in the middle of the board. Then if you collect all the your keys you are suppose to go to the middle of the board and face your fear. Well, actually to win you didn't want to get your fear you wanted someone else so I never really got that part. The game was rather suspenseful as I recall and I never really liked the paranoid feeling that I got whilst playing it. But it was a Halloween tradition and in the long run I generally realized I had a good time after it was all said and done.The reason I bring this up is as stated before is in part because it's Halloween. It's suppose to be a spooky scary time. A time when people are suppose to face fear in some respect. But also I have been think about in great detail lately why I fear the things that I do and how I came to have the fears that I do. So I thought I would share three. I have many others but I think that these three are the ones that have caused me the most anxiety.
Did you ever get the feeling that someone was following you? I think most people feel this way at least once in your life. The adrenaline starts pumping and you feel your heart will never slow down again. When I was a younger kid I enjoyed thinking that the moon was following me. It was a magical feeling that some how you were significant enough to have the moon follow you. Out of the countless amount of people that it could follow it chose you. That's an amazing feeling. But then I had an experience where I was riding around my nieghborhood on my bike and a car followed me. I still can remember the eery feeling I had as the car matched pace with my blue bicycle. I had to lay low in an alleyway for a couple on minutes until they were gone and I could continue my way back home. I knew they were following me because I went around the block two times in order to check whether they were actually stalking me before I ducked in the alley. From that time forth, night was no longer a magical time . The moon was no longer following me and in its place was a dark menacing figure that was after me. I ran home at night ever since. Even now to this day I make haste when I am walking at night.
I use to love going in Kaybee toys in the mall. I could get lost in that kingdom of toys and never get bored. There was a new thing around every turn. My mom would be out shopping which I hated to do with her so I would persistently ask if I could go to Kaybee toys where I could peruse the aisles and just be in toy heaven for a few brief moments. Again this was a magical time that was soiled by the acts of another. On one particular day I got an over-zealous employee who creepily announced over the intercom such phrases as "I know what you're doing." and "it's not worth it." It took me a couple of minutes to recognize that he was addressing me due to the mesmerizing aura permeating the action figure aisle. In my Teenage Mutant Ninja delirium I left the store way too quickly to not at least appear guilty of his accusations. But I had done nor thought nothing of the sort. Kaybee toys was my haven from a tedious day of shopping with mom and now it was ruined. I don't think I ever went in to the store again without at least my brother with me. Another incident occured where a store manager followed me out of a gas station and proceeded to question me as to shoplifting from his store after I had just come from paying for some penny candy at the register. I was angry about this one because he made me empty my pockets and scrounge for a receipt that was not there for my recent transaction. I got so flusters searching for it which I hadn't recognized that the cashier had not given me one because I spent less than ten cents. He eventually believed me and apologized and I angrily rode my bike off to home. I can't go into a store anymore without the persistent thought that I somehow might be designated as a shoplifter. Those cameras are always watching. I hate those black little objects. I have never nor never will be a shoplifter. I'm much to smart to waste my time stealing petty things from stores. But because of this paranoia I desperately don't want to leave a store without at least having purchased something. If I happen to leave the store without purchasing anything I have this fear that I will be chased down by some security guard in the parking lot who will try to make me unload my imaginary ill gotten gains. And if the security alarms on the front doors go off my heart just starts to race regardless of whether I have bought something that he cashier forgot to swipe or it goes off on someone else. I often have to make it into a joke in order to coup with the anxiety.
My all time fear is pyrophobia. I have lost so much sleep oer this and if it wasn't for conference talks being on tape and my sister Teri some nights I would have got no sleep as all. I would cringe when the firefighters would come to our school because I knew that for the next little while I would be getting very little sleep at nights. I wish I could have skipped those assemblies. What is a new problem spot for me to be on alert about with regards to my house and fire safety? I watched in horror as the fire crew presented a movie of fires sweeping through a house overtaking all in its path. I picture my family being consumed by the flames when ever I would close my eyes at night. I started a nightly routine where I would check the fire danger spots in the home before I would go to bed. Clear those clothes from around the water heater and while you're at it don't let them be near the furnace either. Is the oven off? The list became longer and longer as I my paranoia grew. Now there can't be clothes on a vent either. I even got to the point that I was checking each spot more than once per night just to be sure and on especially bad nights I would never stop checking until I crashed some where from sheer exhaustion. Also if it was winter outside I would have blankets ready to throw out the window so my family wouldn't freeze in the cold. It never occured to me that the fire would be plenty of warmth. My main worry with a fire is that somehow one of my family members would be caught in its blaze and I just couldn't have that. I had to make sure that everyone was safe. It was much too big of a job for me at the age that I was to take on. It also didn't help that Bryan use to light matches right in my face. Siblings just like to torture each other. I don't think he ever knew I had such an aversion to it.
So here's the recap. I hate fire. I could be type casted as a shoplifter. And someone is following me. My fears have wained in their intensity over time which I am grateful for. I don't think I could subsist on as little of sleep as I sometimes got when I was younger. The shoplifting one probably will not go away. I think stores want you to fear shoplifting so those cameras will never stop watching and employees will always be on the look out for the next Bonnie and Clyde. I don't run as much when it gets dark anymore either. This is in part because I am quite big and I think I can take care of myself it worse came to worse. I think we just gradually realize over time that somethings are irrational and we no longer have to fear them quite as much as we did.
I declare this meeting of the Midnight Society closed.
4 comments:
First of all, I love you and your post. It inspires me to list all of my phobias as well. Here they are in no particular order of importance:
1:Snakes--in order to kill them you have to cut their heads off-nuff said.
2:Monsters under the bed. To this day I still avoid having my feet or hands dangle off the side of the bed. I'm too scared that something will reach out from under there and grab them. I used to pray kneeling on top of my bed sometimes instead of kneeling on the floor.
3: Someone hiding in the back of a van/station wagon that I am driving at night. I used to have a wagon and I always was paranoid about having someone's head appear from the back in my rearview mirror.
4: Someone stealing groceries from my car if I have to make 2 trips to take the bags inside. This one originates from living in scary parts of Jacksonville, FL during formative years.
5: Dark stairwells at night.
6: Being alone in the forest at night. Way too many things could happen in that situation.
7: Being abducted by aliens. I know it would never happen, but what really did happen in Roswell?
Generally, I'm scared of the dark and I used to sleep with my door open with a hall light on, and I have been known to sleep with the lights completely on. Although, I must say that since I swore off of scary movies or tv shows of any kind my phobias have been much less strong that they were.
I am so glad that I in someway helped you with your phobias. I know you sleeping in my room at night helped me with mine. I will start with that phobia first.
1.The Dark or what lurks in the dark- first off it didn't help having a Dad that loved to lurk behind doors and scare you spitless. I also had a bedroom downstairs, the window didn't shut and lock but I had blinds on th window I remember looking out the window one night and someone was outside watching me. Scared me to death, come to find out that the neighbor guy across the way was a pervert, would always expose himself as we walked by. I quess there was pediphiles even back then.
2.Mice--I know they are supposedly supposed to be more afraid of me then them, but not in this case. I truly believe that animals have a sixth sense and know when people are afraid of them. I avoid them like the plague and I would actually consider moving into a new house if I had mice. Our house in Logan used to have them, due to the fact that we were surrounded by fields at the time. But I used to think that they could see through the mattress on the bed and knew exactly when I would be getting off the bed and that is when they would pop out. I remember a few times my dad having to carry me out of my room, cause I was so scared.
3.Something happening to a loved one. There are times at night that I don't sleep cause I have voices in my head coming up with all sorts of tragic things that could possibly happen to a family member. I freak out when people call late, cause I think they are calling with news that a loved one has died or something has happened. Or I will get a message from my mom or dad that they sound strange and I automatically think that something has happened to either one and I could not handle that. I have it already planned that we are all going to go on a roller coaster ride that kills us and we all die together cause I can't live without anyone!!!
4.Disappointing anyone-I have such a hard time with this one. This is the one that keeps me up most nights. If not from having to finish a project that I agreed to do even though I have a 100 other things that need to get done also. I can't dissappoint anyone so I take on alot. I know there are a few others in the family that has this one. So I just sit up at night and think about everything and wish that I could fix the problem. Or how I can tell them that I can't do this without making them mad at me, cause I can't have anyone be mad at me!
That's my phobias in a nut shell. Thanks for letting me share! I love you and sarah. Take care.
I also think we need to get together with everyone that used to play that game with us and play it again!!!
Thank you for sharing your phobias.
Teri- I agree with you on that Dad didn't help with combating our phobias. I remember on at least two occasions Dad going into the downstairs closet and pulling out a Jason mask and the scream mask and scaring the living day lights out my friends and I while we were playing games. You had to watch your back and around each corner with him. But sometimes being prepared for the scare is even worse because you're working yourself up more.
I think our neighborhood is just as scary today. I think I saw that guy expose himself once. If it is the same one maybe it was different one. you never know. He was just standing there naked as a jaybird in his upstairs window when we were playing night games. We told Kate Powell and she told the cops. Silly pedophile.
I think most of my fears stem from the fact that I don't want someone that I care about hurt or someone to be disappointed in me. I mean I tried to avoid getting into to trouble for fear of disappointing Mom or Dad. I did have anxiety about whenever I wanted to do wrong. They trained us well. And sometimes I am more worried about others than my own well being. I mean that if Sarah or one of my family or friends was going to get hurt I would want it to be me instead. Isn't that odd?
Sarah- I have taken your list and now know how to get back at you whenever you do mean things to me. Just kidding. I know from experience not to mess with you when your sleeping because you gouge out eyes. I know not to jump out of the back bedroom when it is night because I then have to calm you down for the next hour so you can sleep. And that time I jumped up from behind the seat was totally uncalled for so I think I have found all the buttons not to push with you.
I found Nightmare at the DI and bought it but it was missing pieces so alas it went back to the DI for another lucky buyer. But I don't know if I could ever get Sarah to play it again. She has sworn off quite a few things as being just too scary. That limits our Halloween activities in some ways.
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